Real Life Horrors
I’m not afraid of snakes, frogs, lions, tigers or bears. I’m not afraid of palmetto bugs (tropical cockroaches with ‘roid rage). Until about a month ago, I didn’t think I was afraid of spiders. Ben converted me to a fear/hatred of spiders. Australia has spiders that look like what happens if you screw around with radiation in a B movie from the ’50s.
Don’t believe me? Behold the face body of pure evil:
Toowoomba Funnel-Web Spider (aka Pure Evil)
For the brave of heart, some more Australian monstrosities behind the cut:
Ben has an entire album at Broken Toy Shop dedicated to spiders- which he plays with and is possibly in cahoots with regarding the Great Spider Takeover. A few images he’s taken of his overlords:
For the Love of All that Is Holy, What the Fuck is That Thing? (not the official species name but it’s my preferred name for it)
A Whitetail Spider that was climbing the wall next to his bed.
To summarize this post: if you hate spiders, stay away from Australia.
Well, that settles it: I’m never sleeping again. The instant I do, those things will crawl out of my pillow and kill me.
Haha. Everyone I show these pictures to has a similar response. They’re horrifying.
They aren’t so bad, just a little misunderstood.
Sure they bite, but it is just a love nip, a playful little chew.
This is a short extract from a book by David Wong, called John Dies at the End. The spider mentioned is the next pet I get
“There exists in this world a spider the size of a dinner plate, a foot wide if you include the legs. It’s called the Goliath Bird-Eating spider, or the “Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider” by those who have actually seen one.
It doesn’t eat only birds – it mostly eats rats and insects – but they still call it the “Bird-Eating Spider” because the fact that it can eat a bird is probably the most important thing to know about it. If you run across one of these things, like in your closet or crawling out of your bowl of soup, the first thing somebody will say is, “Watch it, man, that thing can eat a fucking bird.”
I don’t know how they catch the birds. I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can’t fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it “Sir” because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Flying Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay.”
Sure they bite, but it is just a love nip, a playful little chew.
Yes, but their “playful little chew” can include toxins that can kill a person.
And that excerpt is brilliant.
You should really have that first picture hidden, too.
You should really have that first picture hidden, too.
But then it wouldn’t traumatize everyone.
For the love of…. I just Google image searched the spider Ben mentioned above (the Goliath one). I actually yelped when I saw it. I’ll spare everyone the trauma and only link to the image for those who are curious:
http://www.virginmedia.com/images/amazonpinktoe-431×300.jpg
Not right. Not right at all.
Here is another bird eating spider
http://www.cairns.com.au/images/uploadedfiles/editorial/pictures/2008/10/23/birdy2usu.jpg
This spider is actually a Golden Orb Weaver and is mostly harmless.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nephila
Apparently, the Australian variety are either capable of space travel or responsible for the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster.
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